Learning To Breathe

For a long time I have belonged to the "married" category. At church I was a part of the "married couples". In social settings, I was the "husband of ..." or sometimes simply described as "the other half". I knew who I was as the other half. And it never really bothered me when they referenced my wife as "the better half". I have since come to understand that many people cannot handle being just half of the whole. Many people find a need to be their own person, and sadly, they do this apart from their "other half".

So here is where I become perplexed. Why does a woman or a man need to seek their own "personal identity" apart from their spouse. Assuming you marry for life, which was my assumption, you will never be single again unless you outlive your spouse. I know what many will think. That I am just being old-fashioned and that I obviously am some sort of fundamentalist or something. Well, perhaps you are right. But also consider the dangers if you are wrong.

If indeed I am old-fashioned, so what? Why is my idea of two people uniting to create one new identity, and then sharing in that identity the rest of their lives so wrong? Does it diminish the value of either? Does it reduce one in favor of the other? You don't know. You really can't generalize because it depends on the individuals who comprise the union. Yet if you presume there is one asserted over the other, you have a valid point. But if you presume that the two really become one, then are you just intolerant of my views or can you agree with them?

I believe in the sanctity of marriage. Marriage should be for life. Marriage should be kept pure. There should be no cheating, no abusing, and no over-lording of the one by the other. Marriage should be as God intended it, the perfect union of an imperfect man and an imperfect woman. I really don't care if you disagree. This space is for my opinion. You create your own space for your opinions.

However, I have now found myself in a new category. I now belong to the "divorced" category. It was not something I was seeking. In fact, I tried everything to avoid it. Yes, I am an imperfect man and she was an imperfect woman. But what really brought about the end was she sought her own identity, or rather her own life, apart from me. She abandoned the union for her own self interests. She sought divorce and thus ended the union.

It is difficult to not be bitter at times. It is truly difficult to even breathe sometimes. I do not mean that in the literal sense. My body is quite capable of respiration and extracting oxygen from the atmospheric gases. It is meant as a statement of the ability to just live each day. I have had to re-invent myself. I was married for 18 years. Being a single adult is actually quite a new experience. I was married when I was just 21. So I am learning to be "me" apart from "she".

At the same time, I have my two teenage kids at home full time. So I am still "dad" and she is still "mom". But it is difficult to be a single parent. Never underestimate that. It is very difficult. But I would not trade these difficulties for the easier path of not having my kids. I choose the harder path. I love my kids and I want them in my life to the fullest.

So as I write this, the song "Learning to Breathe", by Switchfoot, is going through my head. Though I may be somewhat misapplying it here, it is still fitting. I am learning to breathe. I am learning to be me, not me the husband, or me the married father. I am learning to be me the divorced dad of two teens. And I am also learning to be me, the single guy.

I will make mistakes there is no doubt. But along the way, I know I will do some things right. I am learning to breathe.

So in learning to be me the single guy, have I changed my mind about marriage and that a union means becoming one? Absolutely not. I believe that is the way it should be. Yet it is up to God as to my category. If God should choose that I remain single the rest of my life, then so be it. Only God really knows what is the "best" plan for my life. And I don't know it.

Yet, I also must say, that it is my prayer that God would bring me the right woman, the "better half", to complete a new union. In fact, I believe this may be the path that waits for me. I just do not know how long I must wait to find her. So until then, and until I have the other half to complete a union, I will continue to breathe each day.

I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and
You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies