What Have We Lost?

For years I have been concerned over this nation's frantic motions to bolster non-performance and false self-esteem in children. Time and time again there is some group here or some group there coming out with what some experts believe to be the "best thing for the children" and more often than not, it runs counter to traditional values and methods that have worked for ages.

But there it is, "for the children". The problem is that it is difficult to argue with someone who comes out first and says "but this is for the children". After all, who wants to be "against the children". But in reality, I believe those very - possibly well intentioned - people who malign traditional methods of raising children in favor of questionable experiments in "self-esteem" and "positive reinforcement" are themselves acting "against the children".

Why do I believe this?

Consider this. In days long past, when a child didn't make the team, or didn't get the grade, or didn't get included in some group, they were disappointed. They felt bad. And yet nearly every one of them got over such disappointments and went on to live a life where the real world required dealing with disappointment from time to time. So along comes someone who says "But why should the kids have to endure such hardship as disappointment? Surely we can do better." 

So they remove the early disappointment from the equation slowly at first, and then like a rampaging bull. First it was "participation ribbons", then it was "participation trophies", someone decided bad grades were a bad idea so they come up with "outcome based education", then people began suing the boy scouts, ball teams, and even churches because they were denied membership. 

And all of this is done because somewhere, some kid may be disappointed and may have to have a crummy day/week/month. 

Personally, to consider disappointment a travesty or even a hardship is an exaggeration.

"But wait!", say the proponents, "Those children who are disappointed may simply decide that it's not worth trying and simply give up. You don't want that now, do you?"

Well, yes, yes I do in some cases. If someone really can't do something, then they should focus their efforts on doing the things that play to their strengths. If they can't do one thing, but can do another well, then help them find satisfaction in doing the thing they do. Not all kids have to be like everyone else. If they can't do it well, but enjoy doing it, they should continue doing what they like without expectation of being rewarded the same as those who do it well. The satisfaction is their reward.

But a lot of times it is parents and peers that attempt to push everyone into the same mold. Why do we try to mold all kids in the same way? Because in reality, people get nervous around others who are different. Most people are more comfortable in a flock. I would say herd, but really flock - as in sheep - fits much better.

Yes, some kids will be disappointed at some things, and others at different things. But let's look at the alternative, and by alternative, I mean exactly what is happening across America today. Success is being mocked and ridiculed.

Starting decades ago, there has been a media - and political - fad of reducing the idea of independent effort and independent thought that result in success to something evil and should not be allowed. With that thought, you end up crushing a lot of kids beneath the burden of "but you shouldn't be better than your neighbor, it may make them feel bad". This is not an over-reaction or an idle approximation, this is exactly the message being sent to kids in TV shows, movies, news reports, and political speeches today. They are inundated with it. I was inundated with it when I was younger, but my parents had not been, so it didn't stick. I am afraid that each generation it gets stickier.

So the children who excel at various activities - sports, academics, music, art, etc. - see the mediocre ones, and even the non-performers, be rewarded with the same zeal and accolades they receive, they are frustrated. How do you think they feel? A lot of them have decided that it's not worth trying and they simply give up. Wait a minute. You really don't want that do you?

Well I don't want that. When those that excel give up, we become a nation of lackluster losers with mediocre performance. 

Am I being overly dramatic? I don't think so.

Ask yourself this question: is it better for a child to suffer some disappointment and learn to cope with it, or be coddled through it and to come out into the world as an adult without the ability to handle larger disappointment?

You can't "instruct" a child in how to handle disappointment unless they experience it. And you can't completely avoid it. So attempts to eliminate it from their emotional diet is doing them a disservice. It is against the children.

I can hear the straw-man argument already forming. "But wait! Are you saying we should just leave our kids to fend for themselves and do nothing? Just let them rot in disappointment and depression?"

Absolutely not and it is idiotic to even imply such a thing from what I have written. Nothing should be taken to extremes. And yet the argument of the possibility of extreme is exactly why some things are as screwed up as they are today. Spanking is considered a social taboo now. Why? Is it because spanking harms children? No. It is a social taboo because some people have taken it to extremes and been abusive. I would posit it is equally abusive to a child to not spank them in their early formative years but allow them to be selfish spoiled brats who grow up demanding they get their way.

It is my sincere hope that this trend of raising brats reverses and there is some semblance of order restored to the universe. Children do not rule the universe - though watching the federal government from the top down may lead you to believe so - and therefore the universe should not be molded around them. They are a part of it. They share a place in it. The must experience the good and the bad. It is our job in each generation to prepare the next generation for as many facets of it as we can, not just the ones we want.

I am in the 40-something group. I think we already screwed it up this time around. I just hope it's not too late to fix it.


Copyright 2012, Kevin Farley (a.k.a. sixdrift, a.k.a. neuronstatic)