Some time ago, my wife and I attended her 20 year high school reunion. I knew no one but it was fun learning about her friends from high school. Seeing the juxtaposition of the pictures of the kids in high school and now walking around in their late 30s at the party was amusing. My wife was the quiet type in high school and didn't have a huge circle of friends she would hang out with. There were several old friends she was quite happy to see and some that she found it easier to speak with now more than she did back then. All in all, a good evening.
With this event still fresh in our minds, my wife and I went for a walk the next morning. We were staying the weekend with her sister in modern suburbia, replete with stone faced town houses, well maintained lawns, sparkling cement sidewalks, and an incredible lack of people moving around this morning. My wife asked the question "I wonder how many people who live here really know each other?"
So I told her what I had seen in my time staying here with her sister and brother-in-law (I have stayed here a lot for work), and that I have seen some amount of interaction of people at times. Granted, I am not the best one to speak for the level of interaction as I am not really here at times where such interaction would be at its highest, but you can get a sense of things over time. I told her about various people that I have at times spoken to and interacted with in my movements around the neighborhood. Then I made note that where we live, in a very rural area, that we probably really don't know many other people much better. We know the people we go to church with, our neighbors, and to some extent the families of our children's friends. But how well do we really know them?
My wife and I moved into rural NC at different times from different places. My wife has been in this location since marrying a man from the area about 16 years ago. After they divorced, she remained with her children, deciding that it was the best thing to do at the time. She and I married five years ago and I moved into our little rural NC house and have really struggled to "fit in" and establish a set of good friends, the kind that you can call on to help, will call you to help, and will generally just be happy to "hang out" with you.
I grew up in rural Appalachia and in my years since college, I have lived in multiple states and in multiple settings including suburban, rural, and in-between areas. I have had to adapt to multiple neighborhoods and local customs. Though I am no expert on the subject of "fitting in", I have had to do it many times so I at least have some experience.
After five years of attempting to fit in and reach that point of inclusion, I find that I am no closer to the goal. While I have many "friends", that friendship has its limits. My wife and I have talked about this extensively. She is still at the same point of fitting in as she was 16 years ago when she first moved here.
Now its not that there is anything wrong with the people where we live, nor do I think there is anything inherently wrong with us. At least I hope not. Rather I think there are two different forces at work to keep people at arm's length, so to speak, that work differently, but have the same end.
For those who live in the suburbs and find themselves in neighborhoods that don't really come together, I think they are seeing the "mobile workforce indifference". The mobile workforce indifference comes about when people, and quite often knowledge workers or other professional, move a lot for their jobs. Many such workers don't know how long they will be at any one location and they find that its difficult to invest the right amount of time needed to really fit in. Its hard to get several years worth of knowing someone in less than a year. People don't have that kind of time anymore. So in the end, they just don't try very hard. And to the people already there, they don't know how long these newcomers will be here, so they don't try too hard either.
Note that its not that the people who were already there, or the people who moved there are necessarily rude or indifferent, its just that they are living busy lives and its difficult to put forth a lot of personal time investment in something that may be short lived.
For those that move outside the suburbs, into the rural and semi-rural settings, and find themselves in areas where they really just don't gel with the local population, I think they are seeing the "not-family indifference". The not-family indifference comes about when people move into a region that has long family histories - those counties where 80% of the people can trace some kinship via family lines to most each other. When people move into an area where they are not related to the local population in some way, there simply is little room for them in most people's lives. This can also happen when a person divorces and is "out of the family", as happened with my wife. When you are not related by family ties to people in the rural and semi-rural areas, you are something of an outsider. Others always have something going on in their lives that involve family or others who they have known since childhood and thus are "like family" and consequently don't have much extra time for non-family events.
Note that its not that the people who were already there, or the people who moved there, are necessarily rude or indifferent, its just that it is difficult to put forth a lot of personal time investment in others who are not family, and thus possibly be accused of slighting family. For those that move into such areas, its difficult to gauge how much they can push themselves until they are met with unanswered calls and a cool response. Its a precarious balance for both sets of people.
Of the two, I think the mobile workforce indifference is the easiest to overcome, as I have done so in times past. You tend to find others who are like you, mobile, and thus its easy to take on new friends knowing that any of you may be heading off to some new location at any time. Since its expected, it drops the bar of expectations and makes it easier for some people to deal with this kind of fitting in. But the "not-family indifference" is more complicated and involves more touch points for those who live in those family ties. They have to be careful with taking on new friends so that they don't create problems with their own family and family commitments.
Both of these situations lead to the virtualization of friendship. When you are mobile or an outsider and thus find it difficult to meld into the local environment, you can find stability in online friends. People can move, lives change, phone numbers change, but as long as you have that email address, online social network hook, or MMORPG guild buddy, you can have a friendship that can be stable and fulfilling.
For those that are not as hooked in the online world as myself, that statement may seem very odd. But think about it. You can have a friend that is always reachable, always there, and you can meter the amount of involvement you have with them (and them with you). And contrary to what some may believe, you can actually develop very strong ties to people you have never seen in person and live in other states, other continents, or move from place to place. Internet connections are ubiquitous, these friends don't necessarily move out to where you can't reach them, unless you or they specifically want to.
Back to the conversation I had with my wife that morning. It occurred to me that I knew more about the lives of people I have never met physically than I do about many people I see weekly. I spend more time sharing jokes and stories with online friends than I seem to with local people. And there are online friends I have who I would sooner pick up the phone and call them with some problem I wanted to talk about, than I would with some locals.
It would be easy for others to judge me and say that I am too aloof from local humans, or that I spend too much time online. It would be easy, but it would be entirely incorrect and reflect that those who would say such a thing really do not know me. I am an extrovert, ready and willing to talk to anyone about nearly anything. I find it easy to talk to people I don't know and strike up conversation. I live an open life and don't really hide much. Yet, I find myself still on the outside looking in when it comes to fitting in the local environments.
Through work I have built some of my strongest friendships. Many have lasted for years, keeping in touch via online means. Others just melted away due to changing lives or simply losing contact. Currently, my best friends have come through work and through church. And those friends are awesome, yet there are very few times I actually find myself "hanging out" with any of them. Unless there is some motive, some reason to get together, it just doesn't happen much.
Perhaps I am wrong, but I feel that my situation is not unlike that of many others who find themselves building closer ties to online friends over time. At least others over the age of 24 or so. Those younger humans have entirely different social patterns which are based on their erroneous belief in immortality.
But the appeal to online friendships and relationships is you find others with similar beliefs, interests, or quirky humor and they are always there, no matter where you are or where you move to. They post something nearly every day and at the oddest times, and sometimes, they post just the right thing to lift your spirits when you need it. Its not often that at 3:00 a.m. while you can't sleep, a friend just happens to call you or come see you and give you that pick-me-up you need. And its a good thing they don't. It would be entirely awkward considering you got the pick-me-up post while sitting on the toilet using your smartphone to access Facebook.
Copyright 2011, Kevin Farley (a.k.a. sixdrift, a.k.a. neuronstatic)
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