Who lives your life for you? Do you live your life for yourself? Do you live vicariously through others? These are important questions. And as I have learned, can have significant consequences at times.
It is difficult to piece together your life again when it has been turned upside down. And the one place you turn to is your friends. But what happens when your friends believe they know what you're doing even when you don't? What about when your friends believe they know what you're doing when they really are quite wrong, but won't believe you? What about when your friends offer you advice that is really not conducive to your personal goals? And finally, what about when your friends simply do not like your way of living your life, and they abandon you?
Well, I can tell you, it really depends on your friends. A casual friend will mostly accept what you do and let it pass. A closer friend may counsel you and take a stronger interest in your thoughts and your actions. A really close friend may try to take the reigns and steer you down they path they think best. And there is every possible variation on those that you will see.
But it is that last category that causes the most pain. A really close friend may really have your best interest at heart. They may sacrifice time and energy trying to help you solve your problems. But they may also may take it personal when you don't see things their way. Let me illustrate by way of real life example.
Because I recently have found myself in a strange new world - the divorced adult single dating world - I can honestly say I really don't know what I am doing now. Yet at the same time, I do have a pretty good idea of the end goals that I want to see myself reach. So while I can't really say "hey, I know what I am doing", I can readily say "I know I don't want to do that."
Some of my casual friends have given me some reasonable advice - take it slow, keep the faith, look for character and integrity, and other really rational gems. But some of this advice has been.... well not what I want for me. For example, I was advised by one friend to "take at least a year after divorce before you even begin to start dating." Uh..... no. I do not want to do that. I do not want to be that lonely that long, unless it is God's will that I be that alone that long. And I would know if it was His will if that is what happened.
Another friend told me "date a lot, find out what all kinds of women are like until you find what you want." Well, I don't think that is what I really want to do either. I don't want to date for the sake of dating. And that could lead me to temptation (or bankruptcy).
And in those cases of the casual friend, they really didn't care if I took their advice or not. They just wanted to offer it. But they are not emotionally invested enough to really wait for the follow-through. That is OK. We should have different friends at different levels. It helps us to strike a balance.
Now some of my closer friends have offered similar rational advice but then watch the follow-through. They ask questions, they are sometimes concerned with my actions, but they are always supportive. Even when I make a mistake (which is inevitable), they are there to try to help me carry on.
But sadly, a very close friend has chosen a different tactic. From my perspective, this friend approves of nothing I do, if I do not do exactly as he would have me do it. I am not joking. Whether real or only perception, this is exactly how it seems. For example, my friend was there through my divorce and was tired of dealing with some of the issues - I do not blame him for this - and told me "I do not want to hear about your personal life anymore." Well, I felt abandoned, but I know I had been a burden to them. So I did as requested. Now comes the hard part.
I keep my private life, and specifically my dating life, to myself, sharing nothing of it with my friend. However, he continued to think on it, and had decided, quite on his own, that he "knew" what I was actually doing, even though I was saying nothing. Well, that is disheartening, but not enough to damage the friendship. But then, because he is so convinced he knows that I have embarked on some strange path and that I am being secretive about it, that he completely refuses to believe me when I refute his claims. He calls me a liar and abandons me again. That hurts.
I asked my friend "so you think I am hiding something and I am doing something secretive when you see me just doing my thing because I don't tell you about it, when you told me not to tell you?" I then asked "do you want to me to share my personal life with you or not? If you do I will, I have nothing to hide, but why do you condemn me as secretive because I do not do what you would do, but instead you see me doing what I want to do, and you told me not to tell you about it?" I don't know the answers to these questions because he gave none.
I would hope that time would heal these wounds. Those I have inflicted, and those he has inflicted. And I will still be his friend, but the dynamics are certainly different now. I know that he believes me to be a liar, so trust will be difficult to maintain in both directions.
So I have decided to live my life, make my mistakes, and take my consequences. This does not mean I am just going to live wild and free as if there is no tomorrow. On the contrary, it means that I will continue to seek wise counsel and live as a follower of Christ. I will at times take that counsel, and at times I will not take it based solely on my own personal goals, experiences, and beliefs compared to the advice giver. This does not mean that I do not respect them, it only means that I do not see things their particular way.
It is the only life I have. Betrayal and divorce have ruined it enough. I just want to live out what is left of it as I think best. I am not perfect, nor would I claim to be. I am stumbling through life as it is, carrying an enormous load. Please don't burden me with more of it by projecting yourself onto my life, it can't carry the weight of more than one at a time.
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